Far be it from me, a celibate priest, to offer advice on marriage. My comments herein are not advice, only observations. They start with remarks of nineteenth century philosopher Frederick Nietzsche who noted that it is not the lack of love that makes marriages unhappy, it’s the lack of friendship that does so. I think he is correct. Couples that begin as friends and grow into good friends and best friends have a better chance as soulmates who exist together as life partners. I know many husbands and wives that are in happy marriages and plenty that are in bad marriages. Friendship seems to be a central difference. When Tina Turner asked, “What’s love go to do with it?” she was contemplating an emotion. But marital love runs much deeper.
In the Catholic marriage preparation process, couples discuss key issues of unity, family life, the exclusive nature of matrimony, and its permanence. The church through the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony that identifies marriage as a covenant distinguishes it from societal definitions that call it a civil union and identify it as a contract. Many brides and grooms ponder chief love languages, such as intimacy, gift-giving, good deeds or acts of service, quality time, and words of affirmation and compassion; some list them as physical, emotional, practical, intellectual, and financial, as well as the dialects of appreciation and activity. It is good for us to embrace our preferred dialectics and reverence those of our partner. Marriage is a conversation that lasts many decades; so, language is important. The marriage language is one that acts rather than merely speaks. And because laughter is healthy, rejuvenating, and fun, it is valuable for a spouse to motivate the other to smile and laugh often.
Psychology and sociology suggest that the key indicator for a successful marriage—or any successful earthly enterprise—is good communication. Further, they focus on problem-solving skills as the key driver for good communication. Though problem-solving techniques of engineers and business leaders are valuable in work settings, personal relationships require different methods for solving problems. We usually learn about these chief coping skills or defense mechanisms in an introductory psychology course in high school or college. Everyone needs them to navigate life. Some are generally always helpful, like remaining present to the situation or person; some are usually always detrimental, like shutting down; some are appropriate for certain circumstances but not all, like humor; some are good for some people or relationships but not others, like acquiescing. When we find our healthy balance as people that are both proactive and reactive to situations, we respond to obstacles in ways that appropriately address challenges, strengthen communication, and enhance friendship.
The language of the Gospels refers to a variety of words that get generalized by our English “love:” philia (brotherly love or deep friendship), eros (romantic love), storge (familial love), caritas (charitable love), and agape (sacrificial love). Marriage needs all of them. They add up to a multi-dimensional kind of love that helps us maneuver through good times and bad, richer or poorer, sickness or health, even through death. Though Saint Paul’s discourse on love often gets trivialized, I don’t think there are any words more profound: “Love is patient and kind…not jealous or boastful or proud…it rejoices in the truth…it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures in all things…it never fails.” Turning ‘love” from a noun to a verb makes all the difference. It’s not just an emotion but a way of life. When Jesus said, “You are my friends,” He was talking about this kind of love, a unitive state with the divine that encompasses His multi-faceted love. It is there for all of us
