Communication is, and probably always will be, the Achilles heel of healthy relationships. Healthy communication takes work, patience, and continual attention. Each November as Thanksgiving gatherings inaugurate the holiday season, numerous families are concerned with relationships that are strained and interactions that could be explosive.
Some who are on different sides of the political spectrum or another area of disunion want to courageously navigate conversation with family members who hold opposite viewpoints. Some less optimistic clans, in efforts to enjoy the time together, establish parameters to discuss only matters that unite them while agreeing to avoid those topics that bring disharmony or quarrel. Some members no longer come to the family table because interaction causes more misery than happiness—and no one wants to subject themselves to misery. Though it is good to be interested in politics and/or other matters of importance, when the interest turns to repudiation or ostracization, like when hate for certain politicians or ideologies is stronger than one’s love for family, it is not good.
Five centuries ago, Saint Ignatius of Loyola was asked to help leaders and common folk work through differing viewpoints. The pope even asked him to provide advice for conversing about controversial topics during the Council of Trent (1545-63). What he offered is still applicable today in homes, businesses, schools, churches, and other places where people gather to move forward together in love. His advice starts with presuming the goodness of the other who disagrees with us—put the finest twist on their words to restate them in the best light. He suggests that we listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit even in what may seem contrary to our thinking and, from it, seek a point of unity. He instructed us to always give the conversation the time that it needs—take breaks in which we do things for those in need before returning to dialogue; though the conversation could take weeks, months, or even years, we should stick with it. He insisted that we be humble, respectful, and slow to speak. This also implies that we seek to grasp the other’s view and create an environment that helps the other person understand our viewpoint as though we are that other person. And, of course, we do well to put the discussion into the context of concern for the common good and dignity of every person; it’s not just about us but our relationship with the world.
Before words are issued from my mouth, there are ideas in my brain and sentiments in my heart that help form them. But limited in my capacity to formulate accurately my thoughts and feelings, the words may not perfectly convey what I want to communicate. Not only is something lost from my mind to my verbalization but, as the words travel from my voice to your ears, you will receive and interpret them according to your own experiences, thoughts, and feelings which reformulate what was said. This is part of the reason that communication is imperfect. Yet it is necessary for us to move forward together through dialogue. At your Thanksgiving gathering, you might respond to a derogatory comment by saying, “Hating the newly elected mayor of New York or president of the United States is not a Christian value,” and another might interpret that to mean that you endorse the president’s or mayor’s policies that cause some people to suffer. But it’s not what you said—not even close. Unfortunately, miscommunication occurs regularly and escalates to more disparaging levels of disengagement in which one might label another a communist or fascist or worse.
But if we adapt to the teachings of Ignatius and others who encourage enhanced conversation, we will arrive at better places together. No doubt, it takes lots of patience, willingness to see a broader perspective, restraint from overreacting, and commitment to work toward a more loving relationship. “Conversation” is an interesting word. “Con” comes from the Latin “with;” “vers” means to turn; “tion” refers to the act or process. Conversation, then, is an act of turning together with the other via the process of talking and listening. Communication will always be a challenge for humans. But if we want healthier interactions, we will give it greater attention. I think that Ignatius offers us a solid and worthwhile roadmap to do so.